Dreams & Visions

Neighborhood

2010-08-04T06:54:00.000-07:00

Last night was the National Neighborhood Night Out. Jill (THE woman) organized a gathering in front of our house, and neighbors from all around came together for a few hours to chat, share a beverage, and laugh together...

In this live experience, the conversation moved to a few important topics. A few guys talked about refinancing, which Jill and I are going through now. This helped me feel good about our direction, but gave me some good questions to ask. It moved to yards, why the fescue was brown and the Bermuda so green. What to do in the fall to bring back the fescue. I learned and stored away hope for my fall lawn to come back better than ever around September. And we talked politics, Obama, oil spill, taxes, bailouts. I learned more about these issues, but more importantly I learned more about my neighbors and myself. We didn't agree, but we held on to the bond that we have as neighbors, and let that bond be more important than our agreement on how to fix the world.

I enjoyed this opportunity and realized that church done well, blogs done well, are spaces for this kind of interaction. So, I am back to blogging. I suppose some may choose to disagree with what I see or think or feel. And I suppose that's why I write here, in order to get feedback from others, to grow. At the same time, I hope others come here open and ready for growth themselves, ready to be strecthed, challenged, informed, or comforted by what I might observe of God and God's amazing world. But I hope no one comes here simply to do battle, to prove their truths as better or more true than mine. Instead, walk with me this journey of faith, grow a relationship with me, and together we will grow in relationship with the the one who is THE truth.

Luther's 95 Theses

2009-11-29T19:41:00.000-08:00

I can't imagine the courage. He had grown up in and around the church. He had felt the burning call on his life and heart. He had trudged through seminary, and more. He found himself placed in a small, seemingly irrelevant small town parish. He served the people well, cared for them, loved them, even as he struggled with some of the inconsistencies around him in the church, in the lives of his parishioners, and even himself. It took some time, deep prayer, some kind of divine intervention I imagine, as he assembled his 95 presuppositions and suggestions for the greater church. The powers that be would not approve of this young rebel challenging tradition...

But he took the hammer and the nail and the 95 Theses and posted them anyway, in as public a way as possible long before there was Facebook or blogging. He stared tradition, habits, legacies, and old power structures in the face and responded with scripture, prayer, and passion. What a guy.

In today's church, there are young and old alike who are attempting to do the same. The emergent conversation seems to brim with voices of similar passion and direction to Luther. In this Presbytery, I have met and made friends with several pastors and elders who are also reexamining their own congregations and assumptions in favor of doing God's mission instead of maintaining status quo. I am in awe of Luther, and any of Luther's descendants, regardless of denomination, who take on this challenge with humble confidence, and awe-filled courage.

Yet I also realize Luther was not as celebrated in his life as he was long after his death. I imagine most of his life, he found himself supported by some, but opposed or doubted by most. I sense that Luther probably spoke passionately, and confidently. But on the inside, I wonder if all those other voices seeking to hold him in check and to re-assimilate him into the traditional church model didn't plague his dreams, and leave him with a painful skepticism about his own visions. I even wonder if it was this tension itself which might have made "grace through faith" a reality for Luther.

In this season of Thanksgiving, may we be thankful for all that God has done in the church, and despite the church, since the beginning. In this season of Advent, may we be open and willing to the surprising new ways God is working right now among us, and not be so trapped in our habits or expectations that we miss God in our midst. And in the season of Christmas, may we be willing to move quite a distance in our heart and mind, to give our best to the unexpected arrival of God in an unlikely place, and to sing songs of joy to what God has done for us.

Kool-Aid, and other drinks

2009-09-08T09:21:00.000-07:00

I barely remember it. It was the mid to late 70s. I was in elementary school. It was a huge deal on television and in the papers, when one sick-minded man (Jim Jones) convinced hundreds to drink the kool-aid, which was laced with cyanide. The act was one of corporate rebellion against the forces of military, and media, and religion...

Today, there are some who toss around the phrase, "Don't drink the kool-aid" as a warning not to believe what one person is trying to tell you, especially if that person's message is counter cultural, or vastly different than habits and traditions of the established community. I've seen the "kool-aid" reference used to warn people of being too enticed by Rush Limbaugh or President Obama, Gingrich (sp?) or Coutler, Pelosi (sp?) or Franken. And, I have heard the term being used against me, suggesting a sermon or Sunday School lesson or newsletter article I wrote was not a reflection on God's truth by and for God's community, but the early designs of a self-destructive cult.

The power is now resident in the term "Kool-aid" itself. Just using the term to describe someone elses' position is intended to remind the listeners of that viceral reaction the whole world had to Jones. To call someone elses opinion Kool-aid is to capitalize on that emotional response in an effort to keep loyals loyal, and to prevent loyals from straying away from our side of the story. To use the term Kool-aid is to intentionally cast suspicion of evil on anothers view, and to make others afraid to hear it, or to go near it. Those who throw the term "kool-aid" around want to quickly scare us from listening, and want us to imagine our final destination (if we do listen) as a Caribbean island being served a plastic cup of cherry flavored death.

After this post, I'm done with the term. It's a violent abuse of our sympathies. I am totally grossed out by what Jim Jones was able to do with words, to make others so afraid of country, community, God, that they were willing to die to escape their fears. But I find those who use the term today to be playing the Jim Jones game themselves, using "Kool-aid" to make someone viscerally afraid...afraid to listen to other people's experiences, or to new information, or to a different viewpoint. To call someone's message "Kool-aid" is in itself practicing the fear-mongering of Jim Jones that led to those deaths. To call someone else's message "Kool-aid" and to warn others not to "drink it" is to use fear in order to rally your own cult of followers who are totally devoted to your own message, and afraid to trust themselves with hearing anything else in the world.

Thankfully, there was this guy... a radical in his day... with a very different message... one that was quite counter cultural. He talked and taught his viewpoints on life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness in the streets and countrysides. He campaigned for people to trust him as their leader. He gathered a core bunch of groupies who bought in to his radical teachings, and ended up leaving behind some of their old traditions, until they themselves began regurgitating his way of seeing and describing the world to other. The numbers in this "cult" grew and grew. And then one night, in an upper room, he sat them down around a table and gave them a cup and said, "Drink this all of you. Do this in remembrance of me."

That guy had many around who were warning his disciples and the general public to not drink his "kool-aid." Most of them were afraid. Some were power hungry, trying to preserve what little power they held over the people through the laws and through the synagogue. But, Jesus made it clear that freedom is through Him and Him alone, not through the warnings and fears the Pharisees put on the people through Scripture. And Jesus invites us all to table, to fully submit ourselves, trust ourselves to him, and to eat his bread and drink his cup as a proclamation of his saving death and his resurrection, and as a promise that we shall not die but shall have everlasting life.

Those who continue to use the term "kool-aid" to scare others are becoming Jim Jones themselves. They use fear as a crow-bar to leverage the people back into cult-like obedience. They use fear to prevent their flock from hearing any other opinion, or getting any other information. I can even imagine myself, if I hear the term being used against me, no longer being hurt or insulted by the Jim Jones reference, but maybe wondering if somehow, I was simply preaching the Good News, and stirred up the Pharisees again. If so, then I must be getting closer to being one of Jesus' Kool-aid drinkers. Removes fear. Gives life. I can drink to that.

Standing on Holy Ground

2009-09-03T10:08:00.000-07:00

As a Pastor in the Presbytery of Greater Atlanta, I received a letter this week from the Session of one of our sister churches. The letter begins with "Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ" The letter then continues to outline 4 "core" beliefs, quoting verses of Scripture as backup for those beliefs, and referencing sentences or statements from PCUSA Assemblies, websites, or bodies as evidence the denomination continues "to stray" from those cores...

Quoting directly from the letter, my brothers and sisters in Christ list:

1. Our Core Belief - The Bible is the Word of God. (John 1:1, 2 Peter 1:20-21, Rev 22:6, 18-19)
Our Concern - PCUSA adjustment to the Westminster Confession of Faith in 1967 to say "the Bible contains the Word of God." We believe the PCUSA position opens the door for selective interpretation of the scripture.

2. Our Core Belief - Jesus is the only way to salvation - only way to the Father. (John 14:6, I Timothy 2:5)
Our Concern - "Thus we neither restrict the grace of God to those who profess explicit faith in Christ nor assume that all people are saved regardless of faith. Grace, love, and communion belong to God, and are not ours to determine." (214th General Assembly 2002)

3. Our Core Belief - The sanctity of life begins at conception (Jer 1:5, Psa 139:15, Isa 49:1, Luke 1:25, Luk 1:41, I Cor 12:22, Exo 20:13)
Our Concern - "The considered decision of a woman to terminate a pregnancy can be a morally acceptable, though certainly not the only or required, decision." (PCUSA Website under Presbyterian 101)

4. Our Core Belief - Homosexuality is a sin, and while we should love the sinner and hate the sin, we should not ordain practicing homosexuals. (Rom 1:26-27, I Cor 6:9&18, Exo 20:14, Tit 1:6-9) Our Concern - The changes that were recommended by the General Assembly to G60106B have been supported in voice and vote by the Presbytery of Greater Atlanta. This removes the definition of marriage between a man and woman or chastity in singleness and by our interpretations, opens the door for homosexual ordination.

End quotation...

Well, I'm not even sure where to start. I want to express my love for my brothers and sisters in the faith at Smyrna. I have two friends in ministry whom I greatly love and respect who have Smyrna as part of their church histroy. But, I also cannot sit silently when I sense a brother or sister going back into the chasm which is sin under the guise of being true to God's word in Scripture. I suppose I will start where the letter starts, with the first "core belief", which calls the Bible the Word of God and then references John 1:1... "In the beginning was the Word, and the word was with God, and the Word was God..."

Whether this Session realizes it or not, they have just "selectively interpreted" this verse of Scripture. The interpretation assumes "word" or "Word" (no capitalization in the original Greek texts) to mean scripture itself. By this interpretation, the Bible/Scripture was apparently there in the beginning with God. Yet, we know about when Exile and Exodus happened, when the scrolls were written down, when Jesus and Paul lived and wrote, and when God-inspired human beings wrote down and assembled all these words for us, about 2000-3000 years ago. Was Scripture, exactly as we have it today, there in the original "beginning"? Did the Bible we read today exist in some spiritual form, even before it's pages were written down for us by God's inspiration through our ancestors? I suppose that's one way to describe what happened with God in Jesus the Christ, by the mysterious power of God's Holy Spirit. But I've never heard anyone suggest that's what happened with Scripture/the Bible.

By this interpretation, the Bible/Scripture was not only with God, but WAS God. Scripture was/is God? It sounds like Scripture has just turned from being holy to being another idol. I find too many Christians today worship the Bible instead of worshipping God. Faithful believers claim to know exactly what the Bible says, because they can read it in "plain" English. And, faithful believers assume/presume to know exactly what the Bible means in what it has to say. THAT simple, plain understanding, their understanding of Scripture becomes THE ONLY acceptable understanding of Scripture. Faithful believers who read Scripture this way often assume their plain understandings to be direct from God and void of any interpretation, free from the sin that stains everything we touch, and for their conclusions from Scripture to BE whole, pure, THE unbitten apple and holy word of God. This assumed truth then becomes THE word of God not just for those readers and their community, but the simple plain truth for everybody in the whole world... BE just like us. Think just like us. Understand the Bible just like us, and you might be saved. Otherwise... you're a goner. This one understanding of what Scripture says and means, from their own heart and mind, becomes the universal understanding of what God means/wants/wills for everyone. And since it was so easy for them to figure out, it must be easy enough for us all to figure out as well. If we don't agree, well that must be our sin, or evil in us. All we have to do is read it the same way... and just obey, follow... like the Bible says.

In the Scriptures themselves, there was a group of folk who read the Bible for the simple, plain truths that were universal, and that all must follow and agree on. They were the Pharisees and Scribes, who were often called "hypocrites" by Jesus, which basically means a two-faced actor, someone who is pretending to be someone else on stage where everybody can see, but in reality is someone else. The Pharisees/Scribes lost their worship of God in their worship of the Scriptures. They strictly read and obeyed the laws of God, and totally lost site of the Law of God, the Spirit under those laws and behind those Scriptures. That's part of the reason why Jesus came... to show them the error of their ways, to remove their masks and to show them their true selves when freed from strict obedience to the letter of the law, and to deliver them to their new freedom in Christ fulfilling the law by following not the letter of it, but the Spirit of the Law.

In this situation, I fear my brothers and sisters may not realize they are becoming literal, plain readers of Scripture, and therefore risking being hypocrites themselves. There seems to be no admission of the mask of sin they wear in their own interpretations of those selected verses. I'm not sure they even realize they ARE interpreting. Perhaps they think, truly BELIEVE, they are just innocently reading the plain word of God.

Others I have encountered with this perception are easily offended if anyone dares to suggest they might be wrong or misled about the meanings of certain verses of Scripture, and what God meant, wants, wills from us through those verses. To suggest there is interpretation happening in their understanding, or to further suggest they may have actually mis-interpreted the Bible, is to insult them to the core. It will feel to them like someone is playing with one card near the bottom of a house of cards. If they allow even one to be pulled, the whole thing, their whole faith may fall. So, no decision or conclusion ever made about the simple meaning of scripture can ever be remade. Faith like this is built on the assumption that there has to be an (singular) eternal truth, and that once it is figured out, it stays true forever, for everybody. Anyone who would dispute this simple, plain, obvious understanding of Scripture must truly be an agent of evil, and should be removed from our community. So much for "reformed, and always being reformed."

Ironically, that's exactly the way the Pharisees and Scribes talked about Jesus. Yet, Jesus insisted the Pharisees had Scripture too tightly and neatly packaged. It didn't mean what they thought or taught, but actually meant something so much bigger. It wasn't intended to be used to correct those other people. It was to be used to help us see ourselves, and to better follow Jesus ourselves first, and then to invite others into the free life in Christ. And we know what Jesus said to his disciples about the Pharisees and Scribes. Our faith had better be greater than theirs if we are ever going to enjoy the Kingdom of Heaven.

This core belief is in itself a selective interpretation, and one that betrays a worship of Scripture itself more than the Christ himself who came to really show us what the law/words of God MEAN behind/in/under what they say. For example, the Scripture SAYS rest on the Sabbath, but Jesus plucked grain and healed. The Scripture SAYS don't touch the unclean, but Jesus touched them, ate with them, sat with them, and lifted up gentiles and Samaritan's faith, people who had never read or heard scripture maybe, as greater than the Pharisees sometimes. I wonder if my brothers and sisters on this Session give the whole tithe, 10% of their gross income, to God? Scripture says to. I wonder if any on this Session have a mutt dog, bred from two different breeds, or ever wear 60/40 Cotton/Polyester clothes. Scripture says not to. (Lev 19:19) If so, how would they justify the plain meanings of these verses compared to the plain meanings of their chosen verses, especially if all of Scripture is appropriate for teaching and knowing faith?

I fear my friends have been pulled into the trap of this same Pharisaical hypocrisy. By their interpretations, they have already added to or removed possible, God-intended, Christ-exampled meanings from God's word itself. Which brings us to the Revelation quote, 22:6 and 18-19.

What if their plain readings of scripture have removed things from scripture as not God's will or as impossible for God to mean? Those plain understanding of Scripture would themselves betray the plain understanding of Revelation itself, adding to or removing things from this book, as well as undermining the understanding that all things are possible with God.

I do hope my brothers and sisters realize that when John wrote those words, he had no idea they would be selectively interpreted to mean the whole Bible, and every scroll and letter and gospel and story and psalm ever written that might get so blessed as to be included in the eventual canon, hundreds of years later. He only wrote these regarding his own apocalyptic letter/prophecy, because he believed them that much. Surely, this Session would not disagree with the inspired author, John himself, and decide without John's permission to apply John's inspired words to the whole of the Bible we assembled after his death.

It's painful... to watch good-meaning, well-intentioned Christian disciples fall victim to the very habits and forces that trapped Jesus' people under the law in the first place. The "Word" of John 1 or of John of Revelation is not primarily the written words, but the Living Word in Christ, who radically redefined what the written words meant by how he lived his life among us, and for us. To attempt to read Scripture so simply, so plainly, is like trying to go back in time before the earthly life of Christ, and to read them all over again as if Christ never existed. Its like trying to escape the freedom we have in Christ for slavery to the Law all over again. Thankfully, Paul's letter is Scripture too, and reminds us of this freedom. Thankfully, there never was such a time before Christ, because in the beginning was the Word.

A Balanced Life?

2009-04-20T06:30:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday and Friday, about 18 pastors in Atlanta all gathered at Calvin Center to hear guidance and instruction on living a balanced life. We are part of a group called "Macedonian Ministries" led by Rev. Dr. Tom Tewell. He is attempting to guide each of us on our journies of Congregational Transformation. Each pastor is different. Each congregation is different. Yet, we all find ourselves stretched totally thin by the demands of doing this with and for God...

Tom, realizing the strains, invited a retired pastor down, who told of his own struggles to maintain some sense of balance in his life as a rising, big steeple pastor, with family, and marriage, and other pulls. He gave us suggestions on prioritizing, delegating, and dropping.
At one point in the presentation, I confessed my desire to try "block scheduling," where each day is blocked off into three sections, morning, afternoon, and night. Each section is given to a priority, and that priority gets my full attention for that time. Since each section is about 4-4.5 hours, I can decide in advance to give the church 12-13 of them, tops, limiting me to no more than about 50 hours a week. Then I can schedule time for marriage, parenting, friends, other family, work around the house, fun, etc... I have tried to shift into this mode twice. But both times, I was attacked by church and family both for not being there enough for either. I came to the conclusion that flexible chaos is better than inflexible order. I set down my hope of living a balanced life.
Now, I'm back to hoping it again, thanks to this stupid retreat. I really don't like hopeless hopes. I find them to be way too much work, totally exhausting. I would prefer to have a few relationships that aren't such projects, and that end up being natural nourishment for me as much as I feel I am putting into them. Maybe that is the pastor curse though. It isn't ever going to be about a balance between serving and being served. It's always going to be about serving first.
What I dislike most about this is the sense in my own heart that I am not effective, let alone proficient, at either church or home. Isn't there some way to be a good guy, a decent visionary, a fair leader of a congregation, an adequate preacher, and at the same time be a present father, and a reliable husband. Why must it become a competition between the two?
Balance is about equal forces on opposite sides. The weights on one side match the weights on the other. But there's a few major problems with this metaphor. On a scale, there is a limit to the total weight. In life, when one side gets too heavy, the other sides screams for more attention, and adds ever more weight. Sure, I am balanced from one side to the other, but the total weight of the two sides combined is simply too much for my little scale. Also, on a scale, the weights are static. They just sit there, and have weight, a gravitational force. But in relationships, and real life, the forces are dynamic, with a pull. I'm not a scale, as much as I am a rope in a tug of war contest. Even if the forces on both sides of the tug of war are in balance, they can still be too much for the rope, and the impending SNAP is not only predicted, but guaranteed.
And what is a rope or scale to do when the forces exceed capacity other than break? The assumption is that a balanced life comes from telling those who would stack more weights, or tug harder, to stop it. Yeah, right. Tell that to the depressed, lonely, grieving 90 year old who has been trained all her life that one prayer from a pastor is worth 30 prayers from friends. Tell that to a wife who needs hours together to figure out what she needs, then additional hours to work on getting getting it. I don't mind doing either mind you. Both are my callings. But I find the tug of war exhausting.
Surely the two sides sense the resistance on the other side. Of course they do. And that's why they pull harder, trying to win, to finally feel the other side let go. What about if both sides eased up together? On the count of three, we will all ease up. Ready? One, two, three. But they wouldn't trust each other. Neither would give up a stone, a pound of pull, an inch. They are both so sure that if they pull harder, one day they will not need to pull any harder to have the whole rope to themselves.
Well, if either pulls much harder, they won't have to pull any more. But they will both end up with one-half of a broken rope in their hands. They would probably then blame the other for pulling so hard.

No other gods before me...

2009-03-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

I suppose when I first read, or heard "Thou shalt have no other gods before me," who knows how long ago, I had a mental picture of little statues made of wood, or of Zeus and Apollo, or of tossing some woman into the lava pit. If only it were that simple...

Since becoming a pastor, I have become considerably more in tune with my own plethora of gods that fight for my attention and resources, so I won't be able to give them to the one true God. I fall prey to them sometimes too, and find myself itching to get to that moment in the Sunday service when we say our corporate prayer of confession, and hear the words of pardon, and splash in the baptismal font a bit, and share the peace of Christ with one another. I hate when those other gods trick me, and I know I don't need to wait until Sunday to confess. But there is something powerful about the all church confession that brings a warmth and a depth to the prayer.

My sensitivity to the other gods is not just fine tuned in myself though. I tend to see people at worship regularly, constantly. Unfortunately, I catch them worshipping other gods. The question is always, "Do I say something?" Again, if I go back in time, to when I was young and stupid about the way of Jesus, I probably would have imagined the preacher's role to name it on the spot, and to exorcise that demon right out of the poor sap. But I have to tell you, the few times I have even attempted to enter that conversation, it's been like dragging a scalpel across the soul of someone who has not yet been anesthetized.

That's what Pastors really need... Surgeons have it easy. They find the problem. They tell you what is wrong, and what they recommend. People freak out or resist for a few moments. But before the doc leaves the room, the surgery is scheduled. Then, the day comes. They are put to sleep, the bad stuff is removed or repaired, and the recovery begins.

As a pastor, I am sometimes given lots of good information, to the point where I can guesstimate a theological diagnosis. Now, if only I could get him to let me put him to sleep, and then I could reach in and take out the voice of the angry father, or the haunting words of that teacher, or the final words of the spouse. Then, maybe, they wouldn't walk through life worshipping ghosts instead of God. Or if we could extract some of the greed, they might stop worshipping money, and might start spending more time at home. Or if we could extract their internalized sense of ugliness thanks to years of criticism and television Barbies, we might find this person could stop worshipping the artificial image of a body, and start worshipping God as they exercised and ate better. I see people who worship the TV, their spouse, the dollar, their job, their living or dead parents, the Georgia Bulldogs, etc... Each one of them, claiming to be a God follower. And like me, for the most part they are. But like me, sometimes they let these other gods take front and center, and try to back-burner the one real and true God.

Why? Great question. But I don't have a clue. But let's hope that our sinfulness and disobedience to this commandment is included on Jesus' pay stub. Because I fear we have a long way to go on worshipping only God.

Valley of Shadows

2009-03-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

I wish I could write something cheery or deep or even witty. But not tonight. I'm not there. I'm in this other place. It's hollow here. Everything seems large, and seems to move in semi-slow motion, and seems ridiculously dangerous. I'm quite sure that if I am not highly intentional about keeping my wits about me, I will either get trampled by something, or will implode and end up scattered all over the landscape with no one able to reassemble the pieces...

I'm not a stranger to this strange land. I find my passport with several stamps from here, but most of them dated in months or years gone past. I hate this place. But I seem to keep finding myself unloading here one day and realizing, dang it, I'm here again.

People are less nice here. They seem to know just how to hurt me. They even seem to make a sport of it. I try to be "pastoral" and to let it roll off my back, as an example to my own sons who often struggle to let things just roll off of their backs. But I sense the pain of the piercings, and cannot pretend my imagined anesthetic is doing its job.

Another strategy is to imagine myself lifted up above it all, back in the higher altitudes where all grounds seem to look more and more the same, and where the details wash away into larger masses of blues and greens. But no. The attempt at gaining altitude becomes a real risk of falling even farther. Then I'm not only stuck in this God-forsaken valley, but I'm injured from the fall into it, and unable to crawl to water, or to help.

Jacob wrestled with God here, and walked away with a permanent limp and a changed name. Moses wandered through here, and argued with God everyday about his inabilities to know where to go next, what to say next, what to do next. David hid out here when it seemed like he was all alone, and destined for failure, or premature end. Prophets obviously knew this place, and spoke of it often to those who wouldn't listen. They threatened of its threats, and foreshadowed it shadows. And Jesus... he wandered off here, supposedly on purpose, and somehow made it out alive, just to be killed a few years later, while those who loved him the most just watched.

What I hate most of all about this land is not that I end up plopped here occasionally, but that some of those I love end up here with me. Why couldn't they just stay behind? Why did they have to come? I'd rather them stay home, stay safe... Just think of me as going on some distant, draining business trip, where the customers are angry, the food is junk, and the wine... well... there isn't any. Who'd want to go there with me? But still, like lemmings I turn around and there they are, right behind me, affected by its effect, or is it effected by its affect, the corners of their mouth turning down, their eyes looking hollow, looking no where in particular, their skin thinning and ready to bleed red with the slightest scrape... just like I must look... just like I feel... just like I must NOT feel.

Denial is no cure... I haven't found one yet. There are temporary distractions, things that seem to make the mandatory sentence here seem to go by a little faster. But usually, my only choice is no choice at all. I simply must sit down, be quiet, and wait. I can't move. This land is a bit like quicksand. The more frenetic the struggle inside it, the easier it is to get lost inside it. I can't talk. My words seem to echo around me, bouncing and bounding of rock walls and hard surfaces, increasing in amplitude and fortitude with every ricochet, until the sum total is almost deafening. I have to be quiet, and not give the air any more ammo to fire sound waves back at me. And I have to wait. Be still. Know it will come. Know. Be.

I hate being. I hate anything I'm not good at. And maybe that's why I find myself here. Like a trip to the gym, or rehabilitative therapy. It's regular, and it hurts, but it trains me to be ready for some task of the future, something I cannot yet see. That better be it. Some way to look back and say, "Yes, I get it. I understand. Thank you for guiding me, and preparing me. If I hadn't been there all those times, I never would have made it through this time." But the preparation doesn't feel like preparation for some big future IT when you are in IT. It feels like... IT, the thing that you'll never make IT out of alive. Supposedly, God knows what I can handle better than me. Supposedly...

If anyone knows what color line on the sidewalk I should follow to find my way to the exit turnstiles, please text me. Let's just hope I get a signal in this hell hole. But I'll probably end up getting my hand stamped, just in case reentry is imminent...

Faith of Abraham

2009-03-07T20:04:00.001-08:00

So Abraham, a hundred years old, no kids, and still okay with God saying "From you, I will make many nations. You'll be the big daddy," At what point does Abe go, "Dude! Chill! If you wanted me to work THAT hard at helping you grow your people, you should have grabbed me when I was 27!" I just cannot imagine the "faith" it took to say yes to that crazy plan...

And honestly, Abe is not the most faithful acting guy. He lies about his wife being his sister so the Egyptians won't kill him. She spends a few months/years as Pharaoh's call girl just to save his own neck. Then, despite his "faith" in God's promises, he beds one of the servant girls (with Sarah's supposed permission... yeah right, like she really meant it...) instead of just waiting out God's timing on this thing.

Still, despite all this craziness, somehow, God's will is done. Nations are born, through Abraham's impatience, and his perserverance. Descendants are more numerous than anyone could have imagined, sometimes through adultery, and other times through honest relationships. And still, no matter how hard or easy we try to make this life, God's will gets done.
I suppose with that kind of track record, it gets more and more difficult to NOT have faith.

Turning the Other Cheek

2009-02-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

In Matthew, when Jesus suggests we ignore the traditional way of handling conflict, eye for and eye, tooth for a tooth, and instead adopt the "turn the other cheek" model, I become quite sure he really was the son of God/man. I have seen my share of conflict recently. I have felt the icy cold daggers of personal insults, some thrown around behind me, and others right to my face. Turning the other cheek is about the last thing I want to do. It doesn't even make any sense, Jesus.

Look...

if bullies are allowed to bully, then bullies will continue to be bullies. The only way bullies can be stopped, and their victims be released from their fears, is for some kind hearted, but strong one to step up in between the bullies and their intended target. That new one will absorb the bullying, so that the others don't have to. That new one better be tough enough, thick skinned enough, to take the blows. And that new one should stop the bullies from their ridiculous tactics.

But Jesus suggests no to that last part. Sure, step up in between the oppressor and the oppressed. Sure, be strong enough to absorb blow after blow. But no, you cannot stop the bully with greater force. You are simply supposed to turn the other cheek to them so they can strike that one as well. The bully will strike and bruise your arm. Give them other arm. The bully may kick your legs out from under you. Stand up again, and be prepared to be knocked back down again. The may insult you, stab you, lie about you, misquote you, defame your character, attack your family... and through all of this, stand tall but still.

How is that supposed to STOP all the ugliness!?! It makes no SENSE!

Then, I imagine Rosa who just sat down. She just sat there, between the bully of the system, and the others who were forced to stand at the back of the bus. I imagine the line of men who went into diners and order a cup of coffee just to have it thrown in their face, or dumped in their laps, to be shot with hoses, or sicked on by dogs. They stood up again, entered another diner, and tried to order. They just turned the other cheek, over and over again, trying through love and will and trust for the reality that was real to finally become the reality that was, a time and place without segregation, war, hatred, racism, fear.

Then, I imagine my own role, when attacked, bullied, insulted, misquoted. Turn the other cheek, Joel. Turn it. And keep walking in the way. Its so hard Jesus. Yes, it is. But its my way, and I know you can. Okay. Back to it then...

Prayer and Fasting

2009-01-24T15:21:00.000-08:00

Prayer I get. There is something about communication with God, 2-way communication with God that not only makes sense, but also feels right. This God I worship is real, and this God is also a communicating God. And, we were definitely made in this God's image. So, I can't help but think that this God appreciates and participates in good, deep, honest, real, important communication all the time, even with boring conversation partners like me.

My problem comes with the fasting part... Fasting is hard. Its only been 6 hours since I started the fast... Okay, well I took my last sip of coffee at about 11 am, so its been about 7 hours really. And I did slip up and eat a handful of grapes, and then came back later to eat 3 more. I felt better because I limited it to three, for the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and because they had already fallen off the vine and were just lying there in the bottom of the colander underneath the healthy bunch still attached to the vine. See the lengths I am going to already... and its only been 6 hours!

Anyway, this fasting thing. Its all over in the Old and New Testaments. The verse that sticks out the most to me goes, "When you fast, don't look all heavy and burdened..." Yet here I am ready dragging my slippered feet around the house hoping for a Meat Lovers Pan pizza to arrive, if only I had the strength, or maybe I should say weakness, to order it. I'm wanting a beer and chips and peach salsa. "Mwaaa Ha HAaaaa! They are right there in the fridge. Just go get them Joel." But I remember the little stone in my pocket from this morning's service, and I remember what Jesus said to evil as it tempted Jesus to turn the stone to bread... "One does not live by bread alone."

I won't die for not eating for these 24 hours. I won't collapse. Most people probably couldn't tell. I shouldn't really even talk about it. But I am feeling the mild early hungers, and am realizing just how conditioned I am to fall into my habits of eating... what, how much, when... I'm almost spoiled by the luxury of food. Still, how does this fasting refocus me toward the God I serve?

This hunger, it is mirroring my other hungers. My spiritual hungers. Just as easily as I can grab junk food to satisfy my lazy stomach, do I also grab for spiritual junk food to fill my spiritual hunger? Worse, as a Pastor, am I preparing and serving spiritual junk food to those who come to me, to the church where I serve, seeking good food, living food, the bread of life? I pray not. Although, I have been accused of such.

My hungers are not my greatest concerns. In my bodily hungers, I discover my spiritual hungers. In my spiritual hungers, I think of those around me who remain constantly spiritually hungry. I feel like a dietitian, hired and trained to help people learn how to eat good food. Except, I keep finding my "customers" in line at McDonald's. Sure, they may not always like what I cook up or suggest they eat, but how can they stand to eat that other stuff day after day? Can't they see what it is doing to them, to their body? Don't they want to be healthy?

Then I think of the greatly obese man I visited in the hospital, dying of heart disease and kidney failure, whose knees and back had hurt for decades, who missed church on Sundays but made it to fast food breakfast Mon-Sat, and whose grown child brought him ribs and mac and cheese in the hospital. It was those very things that killed him. But it was those very things that made him happy. His happiness was tied up in filling his hungers with junk. His happiness accelerated his own death.

Are we, as modern Christians, all that different from him? We sit in our stale, sterile sanctuaries, eating on junk food liturgies or songs or sermons, and wonder why we continue to be dying. We're not hungry, so we must be okay. Except, we are not hungry because we have stuffed our spiritual stomach full of filler, not healthy food. Are we truly satisfied, healthier, growing... or are we happy in our habits that are just accelerating our own death? I'm afraid too often, modern Christians and modern churches are too much like him.

This prayer and fasting, it is leading me to want to stuff anything I can find down my pie hole. The hungrier I get, I imagine the more ready I will become to get a greasy double cheese at Steak and Shake, or a mile high stack of flapjacks at IHOP. Is that the way those outside the church feel about their spiritual hungers? "Just give me something, anything, unhealthy filler if you have to, to help me not feel so empty inside. " There are some like that out there. But my guess is that there are even more who want good spritual food from their church, something the church has not been able to offer them for far too long.

I for one never want to provide such malnourishment. No matter how hungry they might be, how hard they may be pounding their fists for french fried sermons, I pray, and I fast, that I may continue to find the will, God's will, to give them nothing too fancy... but something ridiculously healthy, like living water, and broken bread, and a sip from the master's cup.

"Receive Christ... born again..."

2008-11-05T08:29:00.001-08:00

So, this gal appears at the church door last week looking to partner with us, as she and her organization offer "a class" in the area. She is a part of http://www.newlifeatl.org/, and is connected to "Perspectives on the World Christian Movement," http://www.perspectives.org/ I soon realized she is passionately committed to turning churches outward again, and to seeing the communities around us as mission fields. Sounds okay at that point, yes?

Then, the partnership includes signing an agreement, saying we as a church and I as a pastor will work in agreement with the Lausanne Covenant of 1974...

I thought... where have I seen that before? Then I remembered... it's an appendix in the New Wineskins proposed constitution as they run/split/leave the denomination. Then, I downloaded a full copy of it, and found the following phrases. I am hoping someone out there has some wisdom for me on understanding the path to partnership between our own churches that uphold the Reformed tradition and are pledged to our own Book of Confessions, and those churches that uphold and practice faith as described in the Lausanne Covenant of 1974...

"We affirm... both Old and New Testament Scriptures in their entirety as the only written word of God, without error in all that it affirms, and the only infallible rule of faith and practice."

"... as the reigning Lord, he now offers the forgiveness of sins and the liberating gifts of the Spirit to all who repent and believe."

"When people receive Christ they are born again into his kingdom and must seek not only to exhibit but also to spread its righteousness in the midst of an unrighteous world."

"The gospel does no presuppose the superiority of any culture to another, but evaluates all cultures according to its own criteria of truth and righteousness, and insists on moral absolutes in every culture."

These are definitely my brothers and sisters in Christ. The same covenant also makes room that we are all sinners, and that our institutions sometimes get it wrong. At the same time, I find some of the implications in these theological statements to not just be outside the Reformed view of God/life/faith, but potentially even harmful to the very cause/Christ they are attempting to serve. If signing this agreement is required, I cannot see how I uphold my ordination vows, and sign it as well. Am I just being a theological geek, or am I onto something real here? Feedback welcomed and appreciated...

-Rev. Joel

Six un-interesting things about me

2008-10-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my wife, Jill, I have now been "meme-ed." Its like a chain letter, fact-passer email, only by blog friends. While I normally avoid these kind of things like the plague, I might as well. I need some content and I'm in the mood for some self-disclosure...

1. In high school I had three jobs... working for my step-father's sign shop (just about everything EXCEPT screen printing), Wendy's (everything from salad and potato bar, registers, sandwich, backroom, or grill), and mowing lawns (a few in the neighborhood and one commercial yard that took FOREVER).

2. My favorite car of all time was my 1980 Mazda RX-7, solid black, with dark black tint, and Keystone mags. I only had it about 3 years. Mom took it away from me. Its one of those moments, when I look back, where I was too grown up to let her do that, but didn't know it at the time. She sold it to a family with a high-schooler, who wrecked it within weeks. I liked making the flip-up headlights "wink" at people, flicking the switch so fast only one would rise and fall.

3. In college, I didn't have a computer. So I built one from abandoned spare parts from my step father and from the engineering school. It wasn't the fastest, but it worked. This was, of course, pre-Windows. I still remember tons of DOS commands.

4. My college best friend introduced me to Frank Sinatra. I've been hooked ever since. Thanks Clay!

5. I love video games. Sometimes, when I can't hardly breathe from stress, or can't hardly think straight from having to many things bouncing around in there, I sneak downstairs for 20 minutes of Mario Kart or Guitar Hero, and life becomes bearable again. I guess its better than the drink or pills, yes?

6. The radio in my car stays on 680 the Fan, Sports talk radio, not so much for the content, but for the break from theological/political analysis of church, family systems, and relationships. Ahhhh... college football.

Obama the AntiChrist?

2008-09-29T13:56:00.000-07:00

As a pastor, you are never sure what will come across your desk, or into your inbox. While my skin continues to get thicker, I am not as tough as I one day want to be. This month, I received an honestly desperate letter from a church member. While not divulging the personal or pastoral content, I do feel it appropriate to share just a few lines, anonymously, and to beg guidance and conversation...

Make no assumptions about the person who wrote to me, or at least, try not to. Assume no age, gender, or race. Simply read the conclusion to the letter, and imagine with me the task of a pastor faced with this fear/opinion.

"P.S. If Obama wins the election then I believe God is setting up for the AntiChrist. The Bible is being fulfilled every day... If Obama wins he will fit right in with the AntiChrist... Hilary Clinton said they would give the homosexuals their rights to marry. Abortion will be legalized. God is trying to wake up people with all this terrible weather we are having. The Gospel is being preached all over the world. If there is a nation not getting the word, TBN will get a station there..."

I'm not even sure where to start. What hope is there for our cultural religion/religious culture when minds are souls are so sure doom is looming, and is being delivered by our perceived enemy/brother or sister in Christ? What is the role of pastor, teacher, theologian in the modern/postmodern American church with this sentiment living and speaking? I honestly haven't a clue, and hope some of you do...